Fought Disorder on Kindle

I had my first psychosis ten years ago. After I left hospital, I became fixated on the idea of documenting the experience. 

I was on Quetiapine, which sedated me significantly despite being on a relatively low dose of 200mg. I would sleep for 20 hours a day, 8pm to 4pm, and my legs felt like they were made of iron. I later developed neuroleptic malignant syndrome, switched to aripiprazole and had NMS again, and then discontinued on medical advice. Still processing my time in hospital, I avoided socialising. The one thing I could do was write. 

I began writing individual memories as 'scenes', in no particular order. A few months into the process, I requested my inpatient notes via a subject access request. The staff at the PICU kept excellent, detailed records. I was able to use these to order the numerous discrete scenes into a narrative timeline. The book was finished after a year, and the writing process was important for helping me to let go of the events. Knowing that they were recorded allowed me to forget the events. I didn't want to lose what the experience had taught me, nor did I want to forget the events completely, but I also didn't want to ruminate on them repeatedly. I now remember next to nothing of that time, and I'm very glad that I documented it when I was able to. Being able to, quite literally, shelf the experience was very liberating. 

My main motivation for writing the book was about communication. I was told that it is unusual for people to remember their psychotic experiences, and so I felt that I should do something with my privileged position. I wanted to somehow show people what I saw at the time, how my ideas related to one another and how chance events steered the course of the experience.

Once the book was finished, I hesitated about its release. I sent it to some literary agents, a few of whom requested the full manuscript, but ultimately had no success in placing it with a publisher. Ten years ago, mental health was not an open topic. People who spoke about their experiences were fringe voices. It wasn't as accepted as it is now. I did share it with Plymouth University, though, who offered it as a resource to their mental health nursing cohort. I received kind feedback from the lecturers, who said that the students were finding it both informative and entertaining. When I started my PhD, I asked the university to take it down. I was concerned about its impact on my academic work and record. 

Now, I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of releasing it. Many years have passed, and so I can look it with more distance. I'm no longer obsessed with the project and can see it in a more reasonable light. I've had a quick read of some sections and am generally happy with it. With this in mind, I'm getting ready to publish it on Amazon Kindle. 

Here is a draft of a short blurb, as well as a link to the PDF proof if anyone wants to read it ahead of typesetting and cover design. I'm aiming to release it in the next few months.

Blurb:

Ten years ago, Oli smoked too much cannabis and developed schizophrenia. Fought Disorder tells the story of his first psychotic episode, which involved four weeks in psychiatric intensive care. He spent most of that time unmedicated, believing he was on a reality TV show designed by Derren Brown. The book places special emphasis on formal thought disorder, symptoms that affect language, communication, and thought.

Fought Disorder is intended to offer insight to professionals, patients, and their relatives. There are also plenty of pop cultural references for the general reader.

Oli went on to work in mental health and later completed his PhD on formal thought disorder in schizophrenia. He lives with his wife and daughter in Devon, UK.

Full text link:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_uF7Yg_TO7GDtlxhghpFLfO3A7fTxJkI/view?usp=sharing

If any of my Twitter/X colleagues would be interested in writing a foreword, please feel free to get in touch.

Cheers

Oli